I know some of you have been waiting for Part 2 of Hudson’s birth story and I finally have a chance to sit down and tell. I ended Part 1 off by telling you that I was wheeled back into the maternity ward not knowing what had happened with my husband. I did not have any of my belongings with me and that meant no cell phone and the nurses in the ward also had no idea what had happened, but sent someone to the ER to ask around. I remember laying in bed, wondering when I would be able to see my baby again, I could hear some of the babies with their Mommy’s in the maternity ward, and their was an emptiness that I do not even know how to put into words inside of me. After about an hour my husband finally entered the ward. Tears of joy and sorrow streamed down my face. Joy, because he looked much better than when I saw him last, sorrow because we were not yet united as three.

After numerous blood tests done on him, they found that he had a viral infection and that meant that he would not be able to have ANY contact with Hudson for THREE days. I could see in his eyes that, that just broke him inside. At that moment everything still felt so surreal to me and then the PAIN KICKED IN! I have never experienced any kind of pain like this, it felt like the left side of my tummy was on fire and broke out in a cold sweat. The meds they gave me helped a little, but my mind was still on my little boy in the NICU and I knew that I had to continue staying strong for him. One of the nurses from the NICU unit came to see me and showed me pictures of Hudson in the incubator. I just cried, as he was so close and yet so far from me. She said that his sugar levels had dropped and they were monitoring him. That night at visiting hours, my husband was there and a dear friend. Everyone else in the ward had family and friends around who came to see their babies and to take photos of the newborns. I felt lost….I wanted that…not so much family and friends, but I wanted my newborn there too.

Just after my husband and friend left a lactation specialist came to me to try and see if I had any colostrum coming out of my breasts. My breasts were squeezed so painfully and NOTHING…..Not one single spec of hope, NOTHING. I was told to massage my breasts every two hours. Throughout the night I woke up every two hours and squeezed my breasts and nothing. A friend of mine sent pictures on how to express milk by hand, and I followed all the steps but NOTHING. The next morning, after they took out the catheter and I was able to stand, I asked that I could by taken to NICU to see my boy. I could barely walk and was wheeled in to see him. I was greeted with so much joy from the nurses as well as so many heartwarming smiles. They could see the worried look on my face, and assured me that I have a little fighter. I looked down at him and wished so much that his Dad could be with us as well. No matter how many books or guidelines you read to breastfeeding, I think everyone experiences it differently. Hudson took to my breast, but I knew nothing was coming out, and I felt like a failure again, because I couldn’t feed my baby.

Back to the ward and the pulling and squeezing from different nurses continued. But NOTHING. My gynecologist then prescribed Eglonyl. And I was given a Jungle Juice recipe and I drank liters of it every day. On the morning of the fourth day, my husband could finally see and hold Hudson. The pictures reveal, his emotions and how he felt holding his son for the very first time.

I was discharged and we had to leave the hospital with a Medi-Clinic baby bag, a bouquet of flowers and a balloon that read “Its a Boy” …..but no baby. I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind and walked out of the hospital with tears streaming down my face. Feeling inconsolable and once again a failure at Motherhood….

To be continued……….